This post is a long time coming. I’m taking a break from The Token Fat Girl for awhile. I write this on the heels of attending BlogHer 12′ this weekend. This just feels right, right now.
It’s been a struggle for me to keep the blog up this past year, if not longer. To be frank, I’m bored with talking about fat, food, and fitness. I’m tired of reading about it as much as I am writing about it.
I’m not, however, tired of working towards being a healthier person. But, blogging about this, doesn’t feel healthy to me anymore. It feels degrading. I find myself waiting for others to tell me if what I ate looks healthy enough, or if my diet plan is to their standards, if I’m eating few enough calories, if I’m losing weight like they did, moving like they are, doing it their way. Congratulations and encouragement when they approve, silence when they don’t. I’m done waiting on approval and acceptance with my weight loss.
I don’t stuff myself because I have goals every single day that I need to accomplish. When I eat too much, I am physically and mentally unprepared for my day. Eating has been a way to shut down, and when I have a lot to do and creative energy to spent, that just isn’t an option. Eating enough good food, makes me feel good and more excited and energized about life and my direction. It’s not just about weight loss, wearing a smaller size, or looking better, there are perks there too, but more simply, I have big goals and binge eating doesn’t fit well into that vision.
I’ve come to realize in these past six years that I’m the token fat girl because I put myself here physically and mentally. I’ve become and stayed, in many ways, what I assumed other people thought of me. Waiting for other people to tell me that I’m worthy. A habit I’ve worked on many, many times. I also believe that right now, I am everything that I need and want to be. I possess every ability to get where I want to go and I have no reason to wait to live, or wait to be granted worthiness. Today, I am enough. I imagine tomorrow this will be true too. I have the ability to think and act today as someone who doesn’t have issues with weight or food or self-worth. I have the choice to go down another path. Right now. Not when the weight is gone.
I just have so much more to offer than a blog about eating less food. I’m shifting my focus to one blog over at Beautiful Layers and I’d love to have you visit! It’s been a very long road to this singular place and peace with having just one project, but it feels great! I want to blog about all the wonderful things that inspire me. I want a place to share more about my creative life, my big dreams, my every day bits of happiness. I want more about a woman making her dreams come true and less of a woman feeling better about herself because the scale tells her she should.
For now, I plan to post here once a month or once every couple of months with updates and pictures. Until then, thank you so much for sticking around here for so long and for providing countless words of encouragement and motivation. And just being there. Thank you times a million!