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Not Goodbye

This post is a long time coming. I’m taking a break from The Token Fat Girl for awhile. I write this on the heels of attending BlogHer 12′ this weekend.  This just feels right, right now.

It’s been a struggle for me to keep the blog up this past year, if not longer.  To be frank, I’m bored with talking about fat, food, and fitness. I’m tired of reading about it as much as I am writing about it.

I’m not, however, tired of working towards being a healthier person. But, blogging about this, doesn’t feel healthy to me anymore. It feels degrading. I find myself  waiting for others to tell me if what I ate looks healthy enough, or if my diet plan is to their standards, if I’m eating few enough calories,  if I’m losing weight like they did, moving like they are, doing it their way. Congratulations and encouragement when they approve, silence when they don’t.  I’m done waiting on approval and acceptance with my weight loss.

I don’t stuff myself because I have goals every single day that I need to accomplish. When I eat too much, I am physically and mentally unprepared for my day. Eating has been a way to shut down, and when I have a lot to do and creative energy to spent, that just isn’t an option. Eating enough good food, makes me feel good and more excited and energized about life and my direction. It’s not just about weight loss, wearing a smaller size, or looking better, there are perks there too, but more simply, I have big goals and binge eating doesn’t fit well into that vision.

I’ve come to realize in these past six years that I’m the token fat girl because I put myself here physically and mentally. I’ve become and stayed, in many ways, what I assumed other people thought of me. Waiting for other people to tell me that I’m worthy. A habit I’ve worked on many, many times. I also believe that right now, I am everything that I need and want to be. I possess every ability to get where I want to go and I have no reason to wait to live, or wait to be granted worthiness. Today, I am enough. I imagine tomorrow this will be true too. I have the ability to think and act today as someone who doesn’t have issues with weight or food or self-worth. I have the choice to go down another path. Right now. Not when the weight is gone.

I just have so much more to offer than a blog about eating less food. I’m shifting my focus to one blog  over at Beautiful Layers and I’d love to have you visit! It’s been a very long road to this singular place and peace with having just one project, but it feels great!  I want to blog about all the wonderful things that inspire me. I want a place to share more about my creative life, my big dreams, my every day bits of happiness. I want more about a woman making her dreams come true and less of a woman feeling better about herself because the scale tells her she should.

For now, I plan to post here once a month or once every couple of months with updates and pictures. Until then, thank you so much for sticking around here for so long and for providing countless words of encouragement and motivation. And just being there. Thank you times a million!

11 comments to Not Goodbye

  • I totally understand this. So much. I hope you keep up the healthy habits and post whenever it feels right! :)

  • carrie

    They say everything happens for a reason. I just stumbled across your blog. I never read these things. I got halfway thru some other chick’s and hit the back button. But something about your title caught my eye…

    You are amazing. I feel like you just took my exact thoughts and feelings rightout of my soul. You articulate your truth beautifully. Thank you for inspiring me. We may never meet or ever follow up thru comments but i just want to remind you that you are a true goddess. Full of truth and fearless. I applaud you sista! You touched a piece of my soul with ur not goodbye blog and you have had a profound impact on the next path of my journey.

    Love, light, peace and happiness to u. Thanks for helping me empower myself once again!

  • Michelle

    I just discovered your blog and wanted to say how much I love it! Your post on packing food in advance is a revelation.

    I am a little sad that you will not be maintaining the blog on a constant basis, but am looking forward to when you post. I’m on a weight loss journey too, and reading about what you have been going through is motivation for me as well. Good luck with the weight loss and keep us posted!

    Thanks for a wonderful blog :)

  • Lorrie, the courage you showed writing this post is inspiring. I truly believe that it is when you make your own rules and live by your own standards, that you find true health and wellbeing…it sounds like you are well on your way to this place so congratulations. I love that you are seeing yourself as whole and complete…and you take responsibility for your thoughts. Not many have the courage to do this as you have done. Refreshing and honest blogging.

  • danny

    its beautiful post

  • mike

    I don’t know what caused me to find your blog but I know what compels me to write.

    You’re right. Life isn’t about being fat or thin or counting calories or anything which makes you think less of yourself. You seem cool, seem to have a great husband, and seem to have a lot going on for you in the creativity department. That’s stuff that doesn’t change if you eat a sandwich or two.

    I know that I’m a random guy on here who has no skin in the game, but I also know that your words and beauty shine through in every phrase and every picture…and I know that last part doesn’t matter but it’s true and so I say it.

    Live your life as happy as you can. That’s all.

  • Christina

    I was surfing aimlessly, looking for motivation, approval, something… read this and found a sense of peace and I sort of see a glimmer of myself as simply a person again, without qualifiers or descriptives. Thank you for the dose of honest introspection; it’s my lifeline for today.

  • this message is for any of her readers that do not know yet: Lorrie passed away unexpectedly/suddenly of cardiac arrest while exercising at the gym on March 15, 2013 -> http://www.lorriefenn.com/memorial/

    donate to the AHA in her memory here: http://honor.americanheart.org/goto/LorrieFenn

  • mimi

    I am just so shocked and sad to hear of Lorrie’s death. She lit up the world — and did so much for so many people who never had the pleasure of meeting her, hugging her, thanking her in a closer and more meaningful way. I really don’t know what to say. You have my deepest condolences and I hope the things Lorrie shared on her blog will remain within those of us who are lucky enough to continue our journey. She was a true source of wisdom and strength. I am more than twice her age and she taught me things about beauty, pride and belief in myself and the goals I continue to establish. Take care of yourself. Mimi

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