It’s been two and a half weeks since I showed the world a picture of me in a too-small dress. Determined to lose weight to fit into it, I started by counting calories, then following the skinny rules, and then a couple of days of eating two much, and then reading Intuitive Eating, which has me back on track. I’m down 12 pounds.
I’ve dabbled in Intuitive Eating in the past and have found comfort in this message. I read Brain of Binge earlier in the year and that message speaks loud and clear to me every single time I feel lost or out of control. The message is similar.
I truly believe, more than any other reason there is, that dieting and that mentality is why I am fat. And why I still struggle and have struggled with overeating since I was very young.
My second truth is that I cannot sustain counting calories, following rules, calculating points and eating some sort of picture perfect diet for the rest of my life. My inability to do so does not mean I’m a bad, weak, or lazy person who just doesn’t want to lose weight bad enough.
My third truth is, is that when I let go of my food guilt and ethics, my should and should not’s of eating, the fear and worry that I cannot control myself, I don’t and don’t want to eat a lot. When left to my own, guilt-free, non-dieting, real food eating self, I am not overeating. I’m not even thinking about food. As soon as the guilt sets in, I run to find solace in calorie counting, to ease my worries. And then…
always…I lose the ability to feel hunger, to feel full, to have any sense about eating because I let the calorie, or the diet, or some person decide how I should eat. And then as always, I overeat to retaliate. To feel normal. To not feel. And then I keep eating because I should be dieting. Because I am full of shame and guilt and then I keep eating some more so that I can prepare for days when I have saint-like eating and all of my “forbidden” food will be a thing of the past.
The thing about these forbidden foods is that more often than not, I don’t want them. I only want them when I feel like I can’t have them. They become my life raft.
I’m not doubting the success of dieting, but in them, I have never learned to eat, to listen, to be care-free from food worry.
My fourth truth is, is that I have a ton of food guilt. TONS. There are about 50 foods that are “pure” to me. There are foods that make me feel great, and I’m aware of the distinction. I believe that I don’t need to have so many food rules and ethics while I relearn how to process hunger/full, when I learn how to eat without guilt.
I think of my 90 year old aunt who ate eggs, toast and fresh tomatoes from her garden most mornings. Salami on rye for lunch. Vegetables from her garden and ice cream in the freezer. She made cobblers and she loved food and eating. When I think about my times with her as a child, there was never guilt in her house. Never any rules, nutritional know-how, no calorie counting, no worry, no dieting, just eating and moving on.
Aunt Bob gardened, she was never fat, and never had weight issues, or food issues. She never dieted either.Yet, if she blogged about what she ate and called her blog “Living to 90!” she would get comment after comment telling her she wasn’t strict enough, not rigid enough, that she needed to lose the yolks, the bacon, the salami, the rye bread and for heavens sake! no ice cream in the freezer. Because all of that would make her fat, unhealthy and she would certainly die at 60.
She would probably laugh at those comments.
I know I’ve said a lot on this blog in six years. I know I’ve made big goals, small goals, big promises, small promises. I’ve started and stop more times than I could count. I’ve lost and found my way to this point so many times, but I’m hoping that this is the last time I stop dieting. I really do. And this is why I blog, as a reminder, of where I’ve been.
I know how to eat. I know what I like to eat. I know how much to eat. I need to trust that I can do all of these things and the weight will come off. I’m trusting that it will.
I need to know that I can be honest and lay it all out here in this space. Even if it’s not what you want to hear, or the picture perfect diet. Or if my glass of orange juice for breakfast leaves you running for the hills, please just keep on going.
And with that, I leave you with last night’s dinner:
Breakfast this morning consisted of a cup of mixed berries (saved for snack later), 1 slice whole wheat toast, 1 egg, 2 slices turkey bacon and 1 baby belle cheese. Not bad for a filling 330 calorie breakfast.
I’m on the fence about things like turkey bacon, there is a part of me that would much rather eat nitrate-free local bacon and skip all of the extra processing and chemicals that go into turning turkey into bacon. Not that pork bacon isn’t processed and often has nitrates, but there is something wrong about turkey bacon (and turkey burgers, and ground meat for that matter) to me. Am I alone here?
Ground turkey is featured in Bob’s Skinny Rules and I’m struggling with it.
I feel this way about light/low fat/ and fat free dairy as well. But that’s for another day.
My posts are scattered this week due to several large projects that I’m juggling at the moment. Monday, things will be settled and back to normal.
It feels like fall here this morning, I kind of like it!
This is my healthy alternative to fast food. I like to trick myself into thinking that eating healthier requires a lot of time, energy, effort and planning. And while sometimes it does, that isn’t always the case.
This breakfast was thrown together in just a couple of minutes and I have a feeling it’s going to be in my regular rotation. I can imagine eating this berry toast on a road trip instead of stopping for biscuits, or bringing it along to the beach or a picnic.
Here’s the overly simple recipe:
Toast whole wheat bread (I just set my oven to 400 and let it toast in the preheat time). Spread goat cheese. Top with chopped strawberries and blueberries. And that’s it! I think this would be good with a drizzle of honey too.
I like that this is a more filling and less sugary alternative to toast with butter and jam.
I want to eat something. Not because I’m hungry, but because I feel like I deserve it. Because I’m tired and I have a few busy days ahead of me. Because I’m worried about getting it all done. Because I’ve been so good eating-wise.
Instead, I’m going to drink a glass of ice water, take out my contacts, put on my pajamas, maybe watch a little TV and head to bed.
I’m finding that the best way to motivate myself and get stuff done is by changing my attitude. This isn’t easy. I’m a firm believer that if I don’t like something, I need to change it and if I can’t change it, I need to change how I feel about it. There are things I can’t change about weight loss. I can’t change that I need to eat less and better, and I can’t change that I need to exercise. I can’t avoid these actions and expect to get results.
I’m slowly getting out of these bad habits by this one simple reminder: make it fun. Often times, and more often than not, the stuff that I get in my head about, and put off and dread aren’t that bad. There are worse alternatives to eating fresh berries, grilled chicken, brown rice, sauteed vegetables, salads with eggs and mozzarella, salmon with ginger and olive oil…am I wrong here? I remind myself that there are people who would love to have my problems.
plain low fat yogurt with blueberries and cinnamon
Every time I feel that moment of hesitation, of I can’t do this, the I don’t want to do this!, and it’s just too hard, I know that I need to change my attitude more than the action, especially if said action produces a result that I desire.
This can and does go in all aspects of my life, from work to eating better.
So how do I change my attitude? It’s not always easy and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not always successful at it. But sometimes, it involves writing down why I’m frustrated and then following it with a paragraph with the reasons why it’s a good decisions.
I dance between steps, I give myself a sticker, I reward myself with a song from itunes, I watch an episode of Dawson’s Creek something age appropriate, I write out all the steps in my best cursive, I make a game out of it (how many stickers can I earn today!?), I add feta (it makes everything better), I get dressed up, I suspend my disbelief, I have a good laugh, I torment my fears, I email a friend, I set a fancy table for my really healthy meal, I eat slowly and pretend it’s the best meal I’ve ever made, I make a happiness collage, I do 20 jumping jacks or turns on the jump rope, I buy or pick flowers, I celebrate my small steps today and ignore the million more I need to take, I write out the results…
turkey meatballs with homemade tomato sauce over whole wheat noodles
I like to challenge myself to bring happiness into the mundane, to every day, to the stuff I need to do because it won’t always be fun not to eat anything and everything I want, or to finish a tough project, meet a deadline, return emails, exercise for an hour, be prepared for cravings, have food within reach, to have a plan, to stick with said plan.
steak salad with tomatoes and mozzarella
I cannot begin to tell you or express how much your support in my last post means to me! To say that I wasn’t expecting that kind of response is an understatement. I was so scared to share that one with those who read here. I’m glad I did. I feel like this is my jumping off point to show results with.
Also, I started reading The Skinny Rules and following Bob’s rules this week. They’re easy, yet hard. No sugar, no white flour, lots of decent food that I love, but it’s still hard especially during the social summer season. I’m trying to concentrate on what I can have versus what I can’t and moving on. I decided not to count calories with his plan, he recommends 1,200 for women, and I just can’t get into that head space. It’s hard for me to overeat the recommended foods, and if I feel like I’m not losing weight, I’ll count. I do track my portions (only 2 servings of whole grains a day, etc.) and I’m keeping a food journal. So far, after two days, I’m down 3 pounds.
Earth shattering, right? These breakfast burritos only have about 250-300 calories and they keep me full for hours! Just a scrambled egg with a little cheese and vegetables on a whole wheat wrap. So good! I found these wraps at the Fresh Market awhile ago and have been avoiding them because whole wheat wraps have failed me in the past. But, these are pliable and super thin, just like regular white ones.
The brand is Wrap-Itz in case you’re wondering. I’m trying to convince myself that they are worth the 45 minute drive to pick up another package.
I hope you all had a lovely Father’s Day weekend! I worked a lot on my other website and we had a cookout on Saturday for Josh’s dad. I made this spicy honey chicken which has never failed me.
I’m so pleased with my morning exercise streak and making it my goal to complete another week of exercise.
And so now I have a little confession. I went back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to share this until I actually did the work, but I’m not one to keep things to myself, so here goes…
I’m going to be in my best friend’s wedding in September and this is the dress that we’re wearing. We found out last week that David’s Bridal has stopped making the dress and it was available on deep discount ($30!) at select stores. This meant that we needed to order our dresses ASAP because it would sell out. I ordered the dress in a size 24, which is my normal dress size and the size I’ve been fitted for in the past at Davids’ Bridal. Not being able to try the dress on before hand, I didn’t realize that it fits more like a size 22.
As you can see in the photo, it’s tight. And I could not go out of the house wearing it because the back slit is up so high that I’m flashing my undies- keepin’ it classy as usual! I can get into the dress zipped up except for the top 2-3 inches and if I sit down in the dress I’m convinced it would rip open and the zipper would take the eyes of anyone around me.
Because I can’t order it a size larger, and because I can’t exchange it. I’ve got a little over 12 weeks to fit properly in this dress. I’m up for the challenge! This means, getting more structured with my calorie counting and stepping up my workout game. It’s going to be a shade more serious around here and honestly, the kick in the pants that I need.
My workout this morning is brought to you by my love for cheesy pop music! This is the first workout that I’ve done in way too long that I was actually excited to do. It hit all of my workout requirements: 1) no watching time/countdowns/clocks etc. 2) pop music 3) dancing 4) a decent sweaty workout 5) can be done anywhere and without equipment 6) is fun and gets me out of my head 7) isn’t repetitive
As you can see from my play list I matched up each song with an action item. I drew exercises for arms, legs, and abs from memory. I have this idea to create a notebook filled with workouts from magazines and the internet that is sectioned off in each category, so that when I workout I can just flip to the page that I want to do that day. Soon!
Yesterday’s lunch was leftover (homemade) vegetable korma. This is our new favorite, I could eat this all week.
Dinner was grilled (on my cast iron griddle) salmon seasoned with garlic, honey, ginger, salt, olive oil and sriracha sauce, a side of grilled broccoli, 1 T herbed cheese, sweet peppers and a salad. The broccoli and lettuce were from our CSA box that Josh won in an auction.
This bread, that looks super easy to make. I think I’ll try making it with whole wheat flour.
The first thing I did this morning was put on my exercise clothes and start this workout that I mentioned yesterday. I’m determined to make morning exercise a habit. Only because I find it very hard to exercise in the evenings. Who I am kidding? I find it hard to exercise at all times, but in the evening I can find way more excuses than I can in the morning.
I’m creating an environment that caters to this habit by…
1. having my workout clothes ready to put on first thing in the morning
2. no internet, work, eating or cleaning before I’ve had a morning workout.
3. take care of chores the night before.
4. stop waiting for on perfection. My perfectionist tendencies get in my way all the time. I want to be more flexible about what I consider a perfect morning because there never will be one. There may be mornings where I just can’t do a full workout physically, this morning my knee and back were twingy- but I moved anyway.
5. do this for 30 days in a row. If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you’ll know that I struggle with consistency. I never get to the point where these positive actions become habits.
6. make a list of the possible out comes from this daily exercise. ie: getting in shape, better health etc.
And also, when did jumping rope become the most difficult form of exercise ever? Holy hell! I used to jump rope all the time (of course I was a fraction of the size I am today), but it is seriously hard. You can calculate the calories burned jumping rope here.
Breakfast this morning was 1 c. plain whole yogurt, 1 T honey, 1 C blueberries. This wasn’t as sweet as I usually eat my yogurt and only 324 calories. I’m working on cutting way back on sugar and getting used to flavors that aren’t loaded with sugar, salt or fat. This one is difficult for me. I could easily eat a vanilla yogurt with jam and granola and stack up lots of excess sugar before noon!
I had a very fun and relaxing weekend and I hope you did too!
I made another Nicoise salad Friday evening and then we went out for drinks after, Saturday I made pancakes, went to the farmer’s market, made vegetable korma and practiced the piano, Sunday we went to the lake/beach and then stopped for Mexican food on the way home.
For breakfast this morning I had an all from Floyd breakfast of sausage (and a little gravy made with almond flour), brown bread with butter and honey, an apple and two eggs. I’m still full and it’s almost 4pm!
Today’s workout came from pinterest:
This is from Fantasmo and it was hard! I get bored easily and so I thought I’d actually try one of these workouts that I always see on pinterest. I just printed it out and went with it. I did this outside around the house.
This minty tea cooler from Creature Comforts. Good thing we’ve got lots of mint growing up around the house!
This Nars Beach Lover set. I’ve been feeling the call of the ocean lately. This could help ease the pain of the ocean being five hours away.
We’re finishing up season one of Revenge. It’s so twisty and addictive and surprisingly good for a network show.
This guilty pleasure of a song. I first heard it in Zumba and can’t stop listening and dancing to it.
I have a date with my stash of Target binders this weekend. I’m road mapping my workouts/weight loss and other secret plans for the summer and I need a pretty place to hold it all. Time to fire up my printer!
This outfit and the girl who’s wearing it. Tanesha is (always) stunning!
Vegetable Korma which I will be making this weekend with coconut milk instead of heavy cream. Yum!
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This quote. A constant reminder.
This summer oasis. I’m always dreaming up ways to make our deck a happy little retreat.